[-PROFOUND COMEDY-]

NEW AND IMPROVED SITE

2009-06-09T17:55:00.003-05:00

HTTP://PROFOUNDCOMEDY.WORDPRESS.COM

Bookmark the new site! I already have tons of new material up.

-mr

Rush Limbaugh's Family LIfe

2009-06-02T22:04:00.005-05:00

The following is based on Conservative radio talk-show host Rush Limbaugh's remarks on Barack Obama's presidency:

If Rush Limbaugh treats his kid like he treats Obama...

RUSH JR.

Daddy, are you busy working?

RUSH

Of course I'm busy working! I'm a working man. A working class man.

RUSH JR.

Oh. Okay. I was wondering if you could drive me to my soccer game?

RUSH

Why do you even play soccer anyway?

RUSH JR.

What do you mean?--

RUSH

I meeean, you're going to FAIL, so why bother?

RUSH JR.

Wha--Why would you say that, daddy?

RUSH

You're going to FAIL! It's inevitable.

RUSH JR.

I'm the best player on the team, and the best candidate for team captain--

RUSH

HA! Best candidate. You little creep. YOU are going to FAIL.

RUSH JR.

Why are you saying that daddy? Do you want me to fail?

RUSH

Yeah. Yeah, I do. I do want you to FAIL. You deserve to fail.

RUSH JR.

But I'm your son, it's your job to support me, you should be proud--

RUSH

Proud of what?! You're probably gonna blow us all up anyway, homo-terrorist.

RUSH JR.

What are you talking ab--

RUSH

Yeah, you're gonna blow us all up. They think you're some kind of Magic Negro!

RUSH JR.

I'm confused, daddy--

RUSH

Get that bone out of your nose, Negro!

RUSH JR.

I'm gonna go get mommy.

Sitting Duck

2009-05-26T16:00:00.001-05:00

Here is boredom's child.

Purell Blamed For Swine Flu

2009-05-26T10:39:00.004-05:00

LOS ANGELES, CA--"Kills 99.99% of All Germs." The promise of protection. The beacon in a sea of coughing and sneezing. Such a promise does not go unappreciated, and must be upheld for the good of the nation, nay, for the good of the world. Alas, the Purell company has violated our trust. The ensuing swine flu crisis has caused an uproar among avid Purell users, many of whom have been affected by the virus, forcing the company to tweak bottle labels. The labels now read, "Kills 87.34% of All Germs."

Of this drastic change, CEO Mike Weinburg says, "We can't lie to consumers. We can't keep saying 99.99%. That would be shameful and dishonest, like Dick Cheney or ShamWow."

Unfortunately, as more and more Purell users nationwide come down with the H1N1 virus, this percentage drops significantly every single day by an average of 3%.

Weinburg says, "I don't know what we're gonna do. Seriously. We thought about using nuclear waste as an alcohol substitute, but you know nuclear waste. Too green. People won't buy green. And you wouldn't be able to get high off of Purell anymore. I don't know if it's just me, but that's why I love Purell."

Such unreliability in hand sanitizer products has caused Purell and its French, Italian, and German sub-companies (Purelle, Purello, and Purellavitch) to consider bankruptcy. This week, the Secretary of Health and Human Services will call an emergency meeting with leading hand sanitizer and soap companies.

Sometimes Weekly Update 15

2009-04-18T16:00:00.004-05:00

This one goes in my Top 5 List. Personally.

Sometimes Weekly Update 14

2009-04-13T17:01:00.002-05:00

My co-anchor for this episode is Eli Motycka, my apprentice.

(He won't like that I called him my apprentice, so keep it on the DL.)

Bean

2009-04-08T21:34:00.001-05:00

Cool Beans.

Sometimes Weekly Update 13

2009-03-19T15:09:00.003-05:00

Thank you to my guest writer, Eli Motycka, who wrote several of the following jokes.
Eli is also my Controversy Correspondent, so keep checking this blog for his appearance on the next Weekly Update.

Georgina (New Character)

2009-03-17T19:06:00.002-05:00

Enjoy the makings of this new character.
It's weird.
I know.

Sometimes Weekly Update 12

2009-03-17T18:21:00.001-05:00

Enjoy. I wrote the jokes sorta last minute, but I'm just having fun anyway...Hope you like!

Tidbit #2: Sophistication Domination

2009-03-07T18:57:00.002-06:00

Enjoy this lame video, which explores a very deep question: "What if Americans were as sophisticated as the British?"

Tidbit #1: Normal v. Drunk

2009-03-02T19:52:00.002-06:00

A hamster in to different situations.

LIVE! (Lame and Immature Videos, Everyone!)

Sometimes Weekly Update 11

2009-03-01T18:02:00.001-06:00

Sometimes Weekly Update 10

2009-02-22T18:04:00.003-06:00

Sometimes Weekly Update 9

2009-01-31T19:41:00.002-06:00

Sorry it's so late. This is the one for the inauguration.

Sometimes Weekly Update 8

2009-01-29T19:04:00.003-06:00

This was the one for New Year's. I'll put up the next one this weekend.

Also, I wrote a 2-page sketch that I'm going to film with my friend Noah that you Coke Lady fans will appreciate. (Ms. Ice...?)

*My apologies for the very quick and miniscule subtitles. This will get better.

Sincere Apologies

2009-01-28T20:59:00.004-06:00

I am SO sorry about the lack of comedic material in the past month or so. There's no excuse for January's barrenness. But don't think I haven't been working, I most certainly have. Here's what I've done:

-Wrote SWU 8, which was supposed to be put online for New Year's. But hey. I'll film it anyways.
-Wrote SWU 9, which was supposed to be put online for the Inauguration. But hey. I'll film it anyways.
-Baked some cupcakes, which were supposed to be for a party. But hey. I skipped lunch.
-Began writing a speculative script for my favorite TV comedy, "30 Rock." I'm about 15 pages in, and expect to have a rough draft of about 35 pages by March 1st.

So, there you have it dudes (and dudettes, but personally I strongly dislike this word and try to avoid utilizing it if at all possible. But I seem to have broken my rule).
I do hope that you, reader of this tidbit and watcher of my holy videos, will forgive my ignorance and move on with me towards a brighter, funnier, and much more pink and fluffy future. Peace (in the Middle East).

From your beloved
Margaret
or
Maggie
or
Mag
or
Mags
or

מלכה

or
Hyacinth

P.S. I informed several of you, my minions, that I would be taking improv classes and performing sometime in March. This is sadly no longer true, as not enough people enrolled in the class. But, there is a chance I might get to do something(s) else, maybe even something(s) better. It's a secret. You have to ask me personally.

Aren't cliffhangers so much

Phone Commercial

2008-12-23T19:17:00.003-06:00

I put this together during one of my "oh-my-gosh-I'm-dying-of-boredom" moments.

So don't expect another one of my Nice Jewish Girl Raps...(actually, because of its success, I'm thinking about writing another one)...

Sometimes Weekly Update 7

2008-12-21T15:08:00.001-06:00

Enjoy the latest news broadcasted live from Margaret's desk.

And by live, I mean filmed entirely beforehand.

Chrismakwanzakuh: The Non-Existent Hybrid Holiday That Many Americans Think Is Culturally Significant But In Reality These People Are Living A Lie

2008-12-20T14:36:00.007-06:00

(This is my first piece for my new segment - Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear: A Humor Column For a Fictitious Publication).

Christmas.

The holiday that claims it begins December 25th but starts one day earlier in November every year.

Well, I'm not Christian, but I have to say, I love everything about Christmas. Except, of course, for Mariah Carey's interpretation of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" on 93.9, the station that plays continuous Christmas music starting the day after Thanksgiving.

But you know, I could get used to the cocky R&B version of "Silent Night". If it wasn't a cocky R&B version of "Silent Night".

Don't be fooled by the lack of cheesy Chanukah tunes. They're out there. They're just hiding from the more assertive Christmas music. I mean, modern interpretations of classic carols have it easy. All musicians have to do is make every note into three different ones and let their voices get increasingly softer and more dramatic with every end of a phrase.

You hear this kind of "music" in every restaurant, bookstore, shop, Whole Foods...It would be so easy to slip in some subliminal messaging, it's not even funny.

Just kidding.

It's hilarious. I'm totally writing a letter to Sony Music.

So, have a very merry (Mariah) Christmas.

And if you're Jewish, have a lowly, insignificant Chanukah. Hannukah. Hanukkah. Oh, crap it, just have a good one.

P.S. If you ARE Jewish, please stay as far away as possible from Menorah flames. Last year I burnt my hair. I didn't EXACTLY mean to. Seriously though, it does not smell nice. If I were you, I'd ask Chanukah hairy for some hair-things.

Sometimes Weekly Update 6

2008-12-13T18:34:00.002-06:00

Here's my "Christmas Special", which is really not Holiday cheery or anything, but I had to call it that because all shows have a "Christmas Special". You know what, I'm going to go taboo on this and call it "Hannukah Special," which works even better because its my own religion.

Shmorg.

Sometimes Weekly Update 5

2008-11-27T17:21:00.002-06:00

This ones really short. Enjoy!

Nice Jewish Girl

2008-11-17T19:45:00.002-06:00

EPIC 'FREESTYLE' RAP, yo. I don't really talk like this. I swear.

Sorry about the missspelling of "Tov".

And the misspelling of misspelling.

The Coke Lady

2008-11-17T18:18:00.003-06:00

My first character video. I came up with Nadine after spending a lot of time in Knoxville with my family there. I've met people who talk exactly like this. And they're nice people. But my impression's way off. Real knoxvillians like Nadine would buy diet coke. It's much healthier. Hope you like it!

Sometimes Weekly Update 4

2008-11-15T15:05:00.000-06:00

Making bad news...badder.

Days of Their Lives

2008-11-15T12:06:00.002-06:00

Noah and I did a mock soap opera. So it's supposed to be bad acting. We basically did improv in front of the camera, as that's not too much different from how REAL soap operas are written.

I make fun of the soap opera we make fun of in this video in one of my Updates down below, so if you haven't watched my vids yet, you should. :)

Savor the sexism:

Sunsweet Commercial

2008-11-15T11:30:00.003-06:00

Yes, this is improv. No, I'm not on medication.

Sometimes Weekly Update 3

2008-10-22T19:10:00.005-05:00

The most recent project...I hope you like. Filmed it on a school night at like 9:00, so...

Sometimes Weekly Update 2

2008-10-18T13:46:00.006-05:00

Here's another one I made just now. Still in the experimental stages...I should've have written a couple more jokes, but I don't feel quite up to it. Here 'tis.

(Oh, and don't forget to watch the joke at the end of the video).

Sometimes Weekly Update 1

2008-10-17T17:19:00.006-05:00

I think, overall, it's a pretty good first time success.

Birbigs

2008-10-16T22:58:00.002-05:00

Mike Birbiglia's my favorite comedian right now. I recently saw his hour long show on CC.

Here's some clips:
http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=156311&title=mike-birbiglia-celebrity-golf
http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=156310
http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=91788&title=mike-birbiglia-wiffleball-tony

Lovely title, right?

2008-09-13T00:46:00.001-05:00

Ignore it. If it is profound comedy you seek do not dare halt at this blog. You'll get radiation poisoning from the immaturity.

Okay, the scoop-de-doop for this blog:
-Funny videos I make.
-Funny videos I don't make.
-Funny videos that are not made by people who aren't me.
-Funny videos that are made by people whose videos are most definitely not mine.
-Funny videos that aren't made by people at all.
-Non-existent funny videos that are not funny at all because they don't exist.

Skadoosh.