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Rush Limbaugh's Family LIfe

The following is based on Conservative radio talk-show host Rush Limbaugh's remarks on Barack Obama's presidency:

If Rush Limbaugh treats his kid like he treats Obama...

RUSH JR.

Daddy, are you busy working?

RUSH

Of course I'm busy working! I'm a working man. A working class man.

RUSH JR.

Oh. Okay. I was wondering if you could drive me to my soccer game?

RUSH

Why do you even play soccer anyway?

RUSH JR.

What do you mean?--

RUSH

I meeean, you're going to FAIL, so why bother?

RUSH JR.

Wha--Why would you say that, daddy?

RUSH

You're going to FAIL! It's inevitable.

RUSH JR.

I'm the best player on the team, and the best candidate for team captain--

RUSH

HA! Best candidate. You little creep. YOU are going to FAIL.

RUSH JR.

Why are you saying that daddy? Do you want me to fail?

RUSH

Yeah. Yeah, I do. I do want you to FAIL. You deserve to fail.

RUSH JR.

But I'm your son, it's your job to support me, you should be proud--

RUSH

Proud of what?! You're probably gonna blow us all up anyway, homo-terrorist.

RUSH JR.

What are you talking ab--

RUSH

Yeah, you're gonna blow us all up. They think you're some kind of Magic Negro!

RUSH JR.

I'm confused, daddy--

RUSH

Get that bone out of your nose, Negro!

RUSH JR.

I'm gonna go get mommy.

Sitting Duck

Here is boredom's child.

Purell Blamed For Swine Flu

LOS ANGELES, CA--"Kills 99.99% of All Germs." The promise of protection. The beacon in a sea of coughing and sneezing. Such a promise does not go unappreciated, and must be upheld for the good of the nation, nay, for the good of the world. Alas, the Purell company has violated our trust. The ensuing swine flu crisis has caused an uproar among avid Purell users, many of whom have been affected by the virus, forcing the company to tweak bottle labels. The labels now read, "Kills 87.34% of All Germs." 

Of this drastic change, CEO Mike Weinburg says, "We can't lie to consumers. We can't keep saying 99.99%. That would be shameful and dishonest, like Dick Cheney or ShamWow."

Unfortunately, as more and more Purell users nationwide come down with the H1N1 virus, this percentage drops significantly every single day by an average of 3%. 

Weinburg says, "I don't know what we're gonna do. Seriously. We thought about using nuclear waste as an alcohol substitute, but you know nuclear waste. Too green. People won't buy green. And you wouldn't be able to get high off of Purell anymore. I don't know if it's just me, but that's why I love Purell."

Such unreliability in hand sanitizer products has caused Purell and its French, Italian, and German sub-companies (Purelle, Purello, and Purellavitch) to consider bankruptcy. This week, the Secretary of Health and Human Services will call an emergency meeting with leading hand sanitizer and soap companies.

Sometimes Weekly Update 15

This one goes in my Top 5 List. Personally.

Sometimes Weekly Update 14

My co-anchor for this episode is Eli Motycka, my apprentice.

(He won't like that I called him my apprentice, so keep it on the DL.)

Bean

Cool Beans.

Sometimes Weekly Update 13

Thank you to my guest writer, Eli Motycka, who wrote several of the following jokes.
Eli is also my Controversy Correspondent, so keep checking this blog for his appearance on the next Weekly Update.

Georgina (New Character)

Enjoy the makings of this new character.
It's weird.
I know.

Sometimes Weekly Update 12

Enjoy. I wrote the jokes sorta last minute, but I'm just having fun anyway...Hope you like!

Tidbit #2: Sophistication Domination

Enjoy this lame video, which explores a very deep question: "What if Americans were as sophisticated as the British?"

Tidbit #1: Normal v. Drunk

A hamster in to different situations.

LIVE! (Lame and Immature Videos, Everyone!)

Sometimes Weekly Update 11

Sometimes Weekly Update 10

Sometimes Weekly Update 9

Sorry it's so late. This is the one for the inauguration.