LOS ANGELES, CA--"Kills 99.99% of All Germs." The promise of protection. The beacon in a sea of coughing and sneezing. Such a promise does not go unappreciated, and must be upheld for the good of the nation, nay, for the good of the world. Alas, the Purell company has violated our trust. The ensuing swine flu crisis has caused an uproar among avid Purell users, many of whom have been affected by the virus, forcing the company to tweak bottle labels. The labels now read, "Kills 87.34% of All Germs."
Of this drastic change, CEO Mike Weinburg says, "We can't lie to consumers. We can't keep saying 99.99%. That would be shameful and dishonest, like Dick Cheney or ShamWow."
Unfortunately, as more and more Purell users nationwide come down with the H1N1 virus, this percentage drops significantly every single day by an average of 3%.
Weinburg says, "I don't know what we're gonna do. Seriously. We thought about using nuclear waste as an alcohol substitute, but you know nuclear waste. Too green. People won't buy green. And you wouldn't be able to get high off of Purell anymore. I don't know if it's just me, but that's why I love Purell."
Such unreliability in hand sanitizer products has caused Purell and its French, Italian, and German sub-companies (Purelle, Purello, and Purellavitch) to consider bankruptcy. This week, the Secretary of Health and Human Services will call an emergency meeting with leading hand sanitizer and soap companies.